I despise struggle.
I loathe difficulty.
And there is one weakness in my life that I just can't overcome.
Just as soon as I think I've got it beat, it rears its ugly head.
Only to conquer me once again.
When we started the adoption process, the gnawing lessened significantly.
When we were in Uganda, during those horrendous first few weeks with Walker, it never even entered my mind.
When we blissfully floated through our first few months at home & it never surfaced, I thought maybe it was mastered for good.
It is not!
The days still come when I am face-to-face with the stark, bare realization that I may never have biological children.
I may never feel that little body grow inside of me or have the pleasure of nursing my child.
I may be a Mommy who never knows the joys & pains of a having a tiny, little newborn..... that delicate, silky skin, those wrinkled feet, those perfect, puckered lips....... those sleepless nights!
There is nothing quite like being accosted with full-on Baby Fever, and knowing that a little extra lipstick & a wink at my husband won't matter one iota.
Or knowing that miles and miles and years and paperwork and tons of money separate me from my next baby.
It's tough. It's hard. And every once in awhile, it's downright awful.
My Achilles heel has been discovered.
Revealed. Laid bare.
The thing that makes me cry & hurt & writhe.
For better or for worse, this great pain is part of my story.
It is forever woven into the fabric of my soul.
And although the road, ahead & behind, is scattered with pot holes of pain, this same road also is brimming with puddles of Hope and of Grace.
In that, and that alone, I find that I am able to continue limping along.
The limp caused by the Great Pain, but by His even Greater Love & Grace I'm still here. I'm still going. I'm still smiling. I'm still singing.
I STILL HAVE HOPE..............
Not in a pregnancy.
Not in another adoption.
Not in my comforting rock of a husband.
My hope is in Christ alone.
And in that day when He undoes & redeems all that sin has wrecked & marred & left for dead.